How to Block Your Writer

Strange as it may sound, research has shown that some students write too much. On Facebook. It is becoming a problem that even the wisest of teachers can't handle. Except for one. The Lazy Students Gazette Reports.

Are you one of those students who, like a miracle made in heaven, suffer from a writer's block right before you have to hand in an important assignment? Define important—I hear you. Well, an assignment that is important to you. You're sitting behind your iPad, your iTop, your iMe, your iBook and you and your Face wonder: What am I to do about this writer's block of mine? Whose brain am I to pick... free of charge? Anyone? A-n-y-o-n-e? one? one? one? (imagine a dramatic echo) Could it be that you suffer from a writer's block because you can't block the other writer in you? The answer is a resounding yes.

Source: click click

My other writer? Yes, your other writer. You don't need to spend zillions of dollars (that you don't have) on supposedly life-saving OWBC's—that is, Overcoming Writer's Block Courses—that teach you, I quote, 'How to get your message across in a sentence' as well as 'The importance of language'. You don't need to listen to this music...

click click if you think this is a joke...

...unless that's what you want. You don't need to wake up sweating like a pig in heat because in your dream you inadvertently signed up for an Overcoming Writer's Block Course that cost you zillions of dollars and someone caught you dancing to our friends Peter Bjorn and John. You're a lazy student, so life is already tough enough as it is. Ask any average teacher if they understand what you're going through and the answer you will get is a resounding... yes. Good, everybody's paying attention. 

The question remains how to effectively block your other writer. Questions like Is abstinence from Facebook really an option, RCB? or Is losing 500 friends of a friend's friendly friends for the sake of one good grade really worth it, RCB? almost make you lose your mind, but you want to get rid of that writer's block, don't you? Well, yes, so that means you have to do the right thing. Let's practise.

Move your finger toward your intelligentphone. You can do it.

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If you've blackmailed your poor but rich Momma and Daddy into purchasing you an iPhone, pay special attention. To turn off your iPhone, press and hold the sleep button (top right) until you see a slider asking you in utter disbelief if you want to power off your iPhone, and then slide the red button to the right. However, there are times when your iPhone may just completely freeze up. When this happens, press and hold both the sleep button (top right, still) and the Home button for at least six seconds to force a shutdown. Force is necessary. Now do it.

The first thing you will notice is an immediate increase in the amount of oxygen that actually reaches your brain. It's a sensational if slightly scary feeling. Incredibly scary if you're really lazy. You will get used to it. No, don't text your friends about it. Be strong. All it means is you don't need your daily dose of energy drinks any more, because the oxygen that used to disappear into an undefined black hole is now finally put to good use.

You are now fully deblocked and ready to write your essay.
You're welcome.

— RCB